Session 6: Communication…what is it?
Session 6: Communication…what is it?
Words:
Communication must not be seen as a tool we use to get what we want, but as a means of seeing just how much of ourselves we can give away. More often than not, we do not give ourselves away to one another. We tend to give only that which will benefit us. We must learn to become true servants with our words. Words must not be used to intimidate, incriminate, manipulate, torture, punish, enslave or lord over another. It is imperative that our words become life-giving instruments. Encouragement. Enabling. Establishing. We must not use those “no words” situations (usually called the “silent treatment”) to punish, to hurt or manipulate. Humility must reign.
What is the goal of communication? I believe there are two main goals. First, we are to resemble our Lord. He is always “talking” to us. He speaks to our hearts by His Spirit and He speaks to us through His Word. Because of God’s words, we know what He desires of us and we know who He is (what He is like…in character and nature). In like manner, we come to know one another by our words. If we do not communicate, how are we to know one another (what we are like and what we desire)?
"As for Me," says the Lord, "this is My covenant with them: My Spirit who is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth, shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your descendants, nor from the mouth of your descendants' descendants," says the Lord, "from this time and forevermore." Isaiah 59:21
[9] But just as it is written, "Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him." 10] For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. [11] For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man, which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. [12] Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might know the things freely given to us by God, [13] which things we also speak, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. 1 Cor. 2:9-13
Second, just as the Trinity is in complete harmony, God calls us to be “unified.” The Scripture calls it “one flesh.” The “one flesh” principle is not merely a sexual connotation, but more of a “unity of personhood.” This is not arrived at in the bedroom, but in the common place “rooms” of daily living. This call for marriages to reflect the “one flesh” sense of unity is primarily accomplished by communication. Communication is both words and actions. We will recognize that as we grow together in love, we will know one another better. There are as many communication strategies as there are creative thinkers. However, the overriding principle for every communication strategy is to recognize that you must ask God for His strength, wisdom, patience and grace. You must have His power in this because communication is hard work. It is hard work. It is a long-term commitment and will demand all the strength that God dispenses by His Spirit. Communication should not be approached as a quick fix “gadget”. Yet, over time, it will grant you the most energizing, enjoyable and refreshing relationship that you can imagine.
The more inclined we are to God’s words and to His Spirit working in us, the more we are inclined to use the power of His words with one another.
Meaningful words:
Questions: wanting to know what my spouse is thinking and feeling
Statements: wanting our spouse to know what we are thinking and feeling
Problem: Questions and statements can be threatening when we do not want to give our
spouse “admittance” into our “silent” (our minds and hearts) world.
· We are fearful of the response to our private world
o Our thoughts reveal
§ Fear, mistrust, loneliness
§ Lust, greed, impurity, pride
§ Self-centeredness, demandingness, bitterness, disappointments
Result: we lose the transparency and honesty that God desires for us to have.
· There is no real communication; the relationship is shallow
· Trust and relational growth are, at best, at a standstill…at worst, there is a severe deterioration of affection, unity and emotional involvement.
Dilemma: We keep one another at bay, keeping up a front, struggling to maintain a
relationship, that is so shallow, and is shattered by the least bit of agitation.
Hope: We allow the Holy Spirit to reveal our hearts to one another enabling true
communication, which, in effect, begins the healing of frayed and fractured relationships.
Hurtful words:
Why is it that we think we can say whatever we want to those who are the closest to us, without
severe, destructive, and deteriorative processes coming into play?
· Issues:
o Prevalent use of adverbs: always, never,
o Blameshifting
o Sarcasm
o Belittling comments
o Character assassination
o Anger, threats
The manner in which words are spoken:
“I will do it! Just quit worrying about it, ok?”
“I don’t know why I can’t get a little peace and quiet when I come home.” “If you wouldn’t nag me and hound me so much.”
How words are heard:
What kind of feelings would you get if you heard the above things said to you?
Facial Expressions and Body Language:
(Negatives)
Slouching folded arms drumming fingers gritting teeth clenched fists hiding eyes with hands
Rubbing the forehead rolling eyes staring off into the distance deep sighs closing your eyes
(Positives)
Smiling looking interested (it helps if you really are) Keeping good eye contact Sit down
Nodding your head
Actions:
Slamming doors Yelling across the house Walking away throwing things
Opening the door holding the chair offering the best seat leaving love notes
offering the biggest piece, the best piece sending passionate emails being the initiator of intimacy
When we are asked to do something by our spouse, the way that we fulfill the request communicates something. What is it that we want to communicate? Do we want to communicate that we are one with my spouses, or that we are at odds? Though not a word is spoken, we can communicate that we did not really want to do the thing asked, but we are doing it just to get our spouse off our backs. It is called attitude. An attitude demonstrated is an attitude communicated. Though not a word is spoken, has there been blaring communication? You better believe it.
One of the things that verbal communication does for us is to let us know what makes our spouses “tick”, thus, giving us insight into the kinds of actions that “speak”. Some women long for their husbands to do more around the house, i.e., helping with the laundry, making the bed, vacuuming the carpets, washing the dishes, etc. (Relax, guys! I am not suggesting that you do all those things in sequence when you get home tonight.) Some wives love to come home from shopping and see their husbands mowing the yard. Others love it when their husbands take the initiative to do some “fix it” projects, as they become necessary. On the other hand, some husbands love to smell the aroma of cookies, pies, etc. floating through the house. Some guys love to have their wives curl up next to them on the couch to watch a sporting event (even when she can think of a million things she would rather be doing). Some guys love to have their wives ask questions about how things work. Sadly, most husbands and wives don’t know the particulars of such things because they have never asked one another about these things. We come to know these things about our spouses because we have taken the time to talk about them.
Complete the following statements:
1. In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
2. In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
3. In our marriage, I am happiest when …
4. In our marriage, I am saddest when …
5. In our marriage, I am angriest when …
6. In our marriage, I would like more …
7. In our marriage, I would like less …
8. In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
9. In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
10. In our marriage, I feel excited when …
11. In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
12. In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
13. In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
14. My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
15. What I like most about myself is …
16. What I dislike most about myself is …
17. The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
18. The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
19. Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
20. The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
21. The best thing about our marriage is …
Go, inquire of the Lord for me and the people and all Judah concerning the words of this book that has been found, for great is the wrath of the Lord that burns against us, because our fathers have not listened to the words of this book, to do according to all that is written concerning us. 2 Kings 22:13
If you turn away your foot from the Sabbath, from doing your pleasure on My holy day, and call the Sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable, and shall honor Him, not doing your own ways, nor finding your own pleasure, nor speaking your own words, [14] Then you shall delight yourself in the Lord; and I will cause you to ride on the high hills of the earth, and feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father. The mouth of the Lord has spoken. Isaiah 58:13-14
The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; he has ceased to be wise and to do good. Psalm 36:3
You love evil more than good, falsehood more than speaking what is right. [4] You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue. Psalm 52:3-4
Now then, my sons, listen to me, and do not depart from the words of my mouth. Proverbs 5:7
A man will be satisfied with good by the fruit of his words, and the deeds of a man's hands will return to him. Proverbs 12:14
Evil plans are an abomination to the Lord, but pleasant words are pure. Proverbs 15:26
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
Proverbs 17:27
Whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. (Colossians 3:17)